While I took a break out of my frustration with my internet connection; I watched E! TV about Lindsay Lohan and her estranged father, Michael.
I'm not great at blogging about this certain subject or not a great debater on this certain of situation. But I feel I just want to say something about it.
I have an estranged father that I have not seen in years. He walked out of my life at age 8 and refused to meet me on our scheduled visit at age 13. I did not lose my estranged father. He lost me and there's no way I'm going back to him in a long time.
Estranged fathers have one thing in common: They became strangers to their relatives. (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/estranged)
Some of estranged fathers walked out and left nothing behind. Some of them walked out then try to return/rebuild their relationships with their children. Daughters and Sons are supposed to be number 1 to their mothers and fathers. But because of different types of situations; it doesn't always happen.
Altho I do not know Lohans but using the media to lash out on people by Michael Lohan really have caught my attention. I think he's the only one doing this through media as far as I know in Entertainment Industry. He's desperately trying to reunite his elder daughter by hurting people Lindsay love. I don't know what his strategy was but obviously, it had driven an edge into the relationship between them. No puns intended but Michael needs to put his head up his butts. Wouldn't it be better if his focus is on somewhere else in a positive light? A recent news that Michael's father died of a certain type of cancer might would do that.
But if he continues to do that; he'd lose his children and these kind of damages cannot be revisited or repaired. I think the damages are already there but the further they go, there might be no return or going back to rebuild the relationship between them.
So, Michael, stop right now! And to these estranged fathers in similiar situations with their children: Stop right now! Focus on what's left between estranged fathers and their children would be just sufficient to build up their relationships insteading of hurting the others they love.
And for these daughters and sons in struggling relationships with their estranged mothers or fathers, you know who you are!
I am an estranged father of two daughters. I last saw them in November 2006 (they are now aged 11 and 8) because my relationship with their mother broke down and she refuses to allow me any contact with them. I send letters, birthday cards and Christmas cards but I know they never receive them as their mother likely destroys them on arrival.
ReplyDeleteNow their mother is claiming these letters and cards are harassment and if I continue I could be arrested.
Not all estranged fathers want to be separated from their kids. It affects our health and outlook in life. Estranged fathers who are denied contact with their kids suffer depression, health issues and even suicide. I developed very high blood pressure as a result of stress and suffered a 'mini-stroke'.
I just hope that in my case I can find my daughters when they are older and their vindictive mother can no longer use the Law to 'punish' me. But by then she may have poisoned their minds against me.
Sir,
DeleteI feel your pain. I have 2 daughters currently 15 and 13 which I have not spoken with or seen for almost 2 years. The last time I tried to even send them a present the mother had the police calling me for "harassment". I spent over $30,000 in legal costs and thousands in child support but the courts do not care. They just want dads to pay up and shut up. The media and "experts" on the internet love to constantly talk about dead beat dads but the reality is the majority of men have been screwed by the system and vindictive mothers.
I'm going through it, too with my one daughter, almost 19. I haven't seen or spoken to her since she was 12. So, I've missed many parts of her life. I also send cards at each holiday and believe she probably never gets them. I don't know where you are, but I'm in New York state, USA. Here, sending gifts, cards, and letters is not going to cause a harassment suit as long as there is nothing threatening in them. I keep the content very simple. Advise her of family updates, like my sister passing, nephew getting married, etc. And just let her know I'm thinking about her and always, always remind her that she can contact me whenever she wants, and I'll be here. You should be able to send those types of things without getting into legal trouble. But you are also still in a position to involve the courts to make sure your children do receive them. Since they are still under 18. I would think that in your legal battle for custody/visitation, that this should be mentioned. But I'm pretty certain your ex can do nothing legally against you as long as you are not threatening. I'd check with your attorney or other parents in your area that have been through it, too.
DeleteThe courts are the biggest culprit to estranged fathers. They want support to be paid but fail to get involved in other parenting issues because the support is being paid and nothing else matters even when the estranged father has legal joint custody.Maybe the judges don't want their courts to be used as an enforcement mechanism because they see it as harassment to the primary custodian but if support is being paid and the non-custodian is equally responsible for the acts of his kids, the courts should uphold joint say to force two ex-spouses to cooperate. Again this is the failure of the court system and its time to go after judges who collect taxpayer monies, a public servant and EXPOSE imprudent judges off the bench. Radio Talk Show Host "Rock Donahue"
ReplyDeleteMy father left when I was 5. When I was 12 my mother tried to set up a meeting for us and he refused. I didn't hear much from him and he never seems to be able to remember the exact date of my birth although I am his only child. Now that I am 28 he has started threatening my grandmother to give him information about me and harassing her because I will not return his letters. He has even said that he would kill my Husband if he felt he hurt me. This is not a good way to get your child to want to see you again. I do not understand how people like this think that these scare tactics will work. It just makes me hate him. I have never hated him before for ANYTHING. I forgave him for leaving and understood that it was for my betterment. He never paid Child support and my mom never perused it for fear that he would return. My mother always assured me that he loved me. Now I just want him to disappear like he did so many years ago, but I do not know how to tell him that without hurting his feelings nor do I even feel like I should have to tell him. I just viewed him as a nuisance before, but now that he has started to threaten bodily harm to my husband and family I am angry.
ReplyDeleteI have not seen my daughter since she was eight years old and wrote a song about it that any estranged father can relate to called " Do you still remember me here it at http://openmic.folkalley.com/DaveWMac
ReplyDeleteI sympathise with you, my daughter is estranged from me, and its because I neglected her. As a father to understand my history with my daugher I have to journey into my own past, and see what happened to me as a child. Many parents dont want to accept that a child only turns against a parent if the child feels hurt. And most parents are blinded by their own hurt from their own childhood loss, of the parent they needed. It really helps to read Alice Miller, or someone like Daniel Mackler.
ReplyDeleteAlso for a parent to start waging war on a childs friends, shows how abusive that parent actually is. A loved child never bites the hand that fed. Only the unloved bite.
As a parent its hard for me to understand my daughters reaction, her hatred nd rejection. But these are feelings that come from hurt. And I begin to see that in my own blindness I hurt her deeply, some in obvious ways. some in subtle.
Abuse is, not meeting your childs needs. Which is why this is an epedemic. And unmet needs are deep, and truly hurt. A hurt child will carry the wounds of unmet needs her whole life time and I think it is a sign of improving health that our daughters now walk away from those that hurt them. In that, there is a hope for a better system. Families systems perpetuate on and on, the same family problems surface like a curse through different family members. A daughter who has the courage not to accept the preachy maxim of forgiveness, but learns to hate with all her heart, has not only a better chance of feeling her wounds (beyond hate lies deep loss) but also to perhaps break the chanin of intergenerational family abuse. And so create more nuturing and loving family systems.
Fathers who pull their daughers or sons back into contact out of their OWN NEED are repeating what they did to that child, use the child as a parent to meet their needs. Which is abuse.
It is hard, its hard for me, it is a loss. But the only way through it to grieve your wounds and recover your own history, all of it, the whole painful truth.
Its a positive and enlightening step for dauthers to turn their backs on those who didnt love them, no matter what the reason. Their feelings, not moral and feeling blind maxims about forgiveness, are the truth. And daughters should follow their hate and indignation as a way of feeling their wounds of unmet needs in their hearts for the father they needed badly and never had.
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ReplyDeleteAs a father, I can try to rech out, but I also know its my own daughters needs, and in her hate for me, there is hope for her growth. All I can do as a father is greive, maybe hope she'll grieve her loss. And after their is the possibility of reconciliation. But its not definite.
Read Alice Miller. shes dead, but you can see her site. She is a deeply advocating person, or was. And enabled me to make my own break from my mother, and hence begin the painful break from my own family system.
Breaking generations of abuse, and I mean ALL forms, not just the most obvious like being hit or sexually abused, but things like being unwanted, or unseen or not validated. Abuse steals the self of the child that needed to be loved unconditoibally, and anything that harms the real self of the child causes enormous wounds. Its not "naricism" for a child to break contact. Its narcisim for the parent to complain and be bitter. Because once again that parwent is doing again what she or he did in the past--using the child for their own ends.
So for a adult child to break the chains and disconnecting is a VITAL step in reclaiming ones one true history and hence ones own real self. It is also a powerful signal to society that the present generation will not longer accept abusive parenting that steals the childs true self in order to buttress a needy parent.
The more children that condemn, disown and walk away and criticise their parents and look them in the eye, the healthier parenting will become.
As a father who lost his daughter, I can only say with sadness that I salute you brave daughters, and it is in your truth that our world stands a better chance of healing the wounds that drive all our societys ills.
I am an estranged father who lost custody of his daughter to myown brother.I have seen my daugter a total of 5 hrs in the last 2 allmost 3 years. After a lengthy court battle where my brother stood by my side to help me get custody of my daughter from her mother because of drug abuse i was a single father for 3 years with the help of my family. My daughter and I connected and bonded. When my daughter was 6 I met a girl 15 years younger than me and after a short time we announced our engagement. My family told me that if I went thru with the marriage, my second her first then they would fight to get custody ofmy daughter. On the day we were married with my daughter as flower girl standing by my side my brother filed papers totry to get custody. We fought in court for two years withmy past being drug up and my new brides past being drug up my name was sullied by my own parents and the final conclusion of the family court judge was that my brother andhis new wife after being engaged forten years being married duringthe trial was that he was amore fit parent than me. It was the courts determination that he my brother was so much better than me that he can decide if and when and how I see my daughter. He wouldnt let me see her on her birthday for a half an hour because I had seen her the month before. I have other than traffic tickets no criminal history. My wife other than a felony theft conviction at 16 has no crminal background. In my case the justice system has made me an estranged father. My only hope is my daughter will grow up to see for herself that she was taken from me! I didnt abandon her and I am in a twisted kind of slow torture witout her. I know they tell her terrible things about me and like others I dont know if she gets the letters and cards I send I dont know if she gets the phone messages I am "allowed" to leave for her. I miss my little girl every minute of every day. Holidays are the worst. I loved Halloween and I did manage to get several firsts with her first camping trip first fish caught first motorcycle ride firsttrick or treat, but I am missing her growing up. I dont have the money for lawyers I am barely getting by as it is. One of the reasons the judge cited for giving custody to my brother was that he had a 6 figure income and I didnt. Then she assigned me $750.00 a month in child support. Our legal system one that I used to think handed out justice split my family into a million peices. My Mother barely talks to me my father wont talk to me and I havent spoken to my brother in allmost three years.Imiss mymom and dad, i miss my brother but most of all Imiss my little girl. We are in for allot of therapy if I am ever allowed to see her agian and I owe it all to my family. No one can hurt you like family.
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